here it goes

tomorrow is gonna be a huge day for me and i need to stay focused. its hard tho with the situation my grandma is in. i cant believe she let herself get that bad. it just sucks and its really scary to think that she might get more jail time then what she has already served. i hope that they are somewhat lenient with her. i know she doesn't really deserve it cuz it is all her fault but still she is my grandma and i love her. i just wish all this could have been avoided. but everything happens for a reason and i hope after all this is over and done with she will have a better perspective on life. i know i certainly do from all this mess. i am staying away from alcohol for a while. i definitely will not be drinking and driving anymore. i just hope that the other party is OK and that they are doing well. i know it has to be hard for them as well. i hope that they forgive her for what happened and that they move on from this.
on a lighter note:
i am so focused on these interview tomorrow that it is ridiculous. i can see all my plans coming into reality now. its a step closer to achieving them! its amazing!

its difficult

yesterday i had lunch with a friend who i miss dearly. its hard not being able to just call him and say hey let's hangout. yesterday i wanted to just say I'm sorry and let's be cool like we were before. but i wont apologize till he says it first. I'm not giving up on my stand. i made it and I'm gonna hold firm to it.
i had a dream this morning that he told me him and the person he is seeing decided to call it quits. i should have been excited and said OK lets hang out but i didn't. i know i cant blame this third person for all of it. but he definitely played a big part in me and my friend talking. it sucks but there is nothing i can do about it. i tried being accepting of him but then i became something less desirable to hang out with.
idk he might argue differently but that's the impression i got from this abandonment.

this is getting difficult

you know i always try to stay positive but i feel myself starting to fall backwards again. could it be that i feel the season is changing again? who knows? but this i do know...i feel like everything I'm doing is wrong. like i am missing something important that i should be working on. i think a lot of it has to do with the people in my life. i feel like i should be at the same level as them. like there is something wrong with me cuz i am not at the same point in life that they are. I'm super grateful i haven't been cast out cuz i am not. otherwise i don't know what i would do. but everyone i know seems to have so much going on in their lives and all i have is work. my best friend who is pretty much my sister is pregnant and i am so thrilled for lily to get here! I've honestly never been more excited for a baby in my life! with other people i know who've gotten married and had children. it just makes me feel like I'm not as mature as them in a sense. idk if that makes sense but that's just how i feel.
another reason is cuz i am still living with my parents. don't get me wrong i absolutely love living at home. i wish i could help out more financially. but when i get another job i def will more. but honestly i feel like i am making up for lost time with the separation of my mom and dad. i love hanging out with mom and mike. but i see myself as a child when i am with them. and to be honest its really soothing. maybe i have issues i need to work on rather than just pushing em away but i don't know how to fix what is broken. i love my life and i don't see why referring to the past will help. I'm fine with how things turned out. i think i just grew up too fast and now that i have this sense of what family is really supposed to be like i am reverting back in time to the feeling of being young. i consider myself a mature, responsible adult but there are definitely things i need to work on.
guess I'll just have to ride this roller coaster out and see where it takes me.

i just dont understand

How someone can sit there and not do everything within their power and then some to support their child. I'd be damned if I had a child and didn't have a job to support him or her. It frustrated me so badly that he doesn't get off his ass and get a job. He makes no effort what so ever to do anything for himself or his child. He still has the immature mentality that's its all about him. He's so selfish. He's lazy as hell and doesn't do a damn thing around the house until someone is yelling at him to do it. Then he gets upset and wonders why everyone is picking on him. I'm seriously ready to say something to him but I haven't yet cause he isn't my child. He needs to grow up and realize he needs to be a man and father!!

did you really think it was like that?

"Are you really gonna say hi like that?"
"Uhh yeah."
Did she really think that I was gonna be welcoming to him? She obviously doesn't know me then. What made her think I was ever cool with him. I told her that a long time ago that I would never be. Did she think things had changed. Why would they, she just keeps making it worse for herself. The only thing I want to talk to her about is why the hell she came back in the first place? Now she's saying she is going to go back with him when he goes back. That this trip is just to get her stuff. I really want nothing to do with her right now. She made me put up this wall again. I was so excited to have my sister back. I needed that sisterly bond with her right now. But obviously that didn't work out. Thank God for Stephanie! I don't know what I would do without that girl! I am just so hurt that I cry when I think about it. I hate being mad at her but right now my heart just hurts too much. I can't believe she actually expected me to greet him. She needs to open up her eyes and see what she's doing to herself and her family. It's not fair to us...either respect what we have to say, or simple don't come to us when you are suffering because you don't listen to what we have to say anyway.
I hope you are happy with your decisions. I hope you realize what makes you happy and go for it. I am always gonna be here for you but for right now I am too hurt to be welcoming. To him and to you.

disappointed

contains some strong language.

I don’t get it. Can someone help me understand? Why do you say that you aren’t happy where you so you move back but yet still maintain contact with the person you left. How the fuck do you expect to get over them?! If you are still so inclined to keep them in your life why move back?! Why make the people who love you suffer with the constant question of when you are going to leave again? I guess since I haven’t been in this situation I have no room to speak but I am entitled to my feelings. I just wish she would either stay out there with him and just suffer the consequences or move on and make the effort to get over it. I can understand that it’s hard, that it’s difficult to move on when its what you are so used to, but why then move back. I don’t understand. I think its stupid to go back. Why put yourself through that shit again especially since you know he is only leaving. I hope he does leave I hope he goes far away!! Super far away! I hope when you come back you find someone who sweeps you off your feet! Someone who is ten times the person he will ever be…and that shouldn’t be hard since he ain’t shit!! Fucking loser! Ugh I really hate him!! I can’t believe how mad and disappointed I am in you and your decisions!! You hurt my feelings so much that I don’t even know why I made any effort to help you with anything. I hope you are happy with your decisions though but just know that from here on out I’m not getting used to you being around. I’ll always keep that wall up against you and if you stay with him I will never accept him. That I hope you know that hasn’t changed and never will change. You made your bed now sleep in it. But quit messing up my bed alright!!

parody

so i came up with a little parody to 'Un-Thinkable' by Alicia Keys. its nothing great but i thought it was pretty damn funny! so did my mom =)

moment of honest. some one's gotta take the heat tonight who's it gonna be? I'm gonna lay right here and take all of the fan for me. if you want to cool yourself down you should do it right now. are you sweating?

this heat gives me a feeling that i never felt before. and i cant take, i know i cant take it. its becoming something that's impossible to ignore. and i don't like it.

i was wondering maybe could we turn on the a/c if we do the un-thinkable, would the meter go crazy? if you ask me, I'm sweating. if you ask me, I'm sweating.

i thought you'd listen to me. this is not how we should feel at night, how are you gonna sleep? time to sleep is wasting so why wait for eventually. if you're gonna do something bout it, you should do it right now. (you should do it right now) hurry! ooh

this heat gives me a feeling that i never felt before. and i don't like it, i know i don't like it. this heats becoming something that's impossible to ignore. i really hate it.

i was wondering maybe could we turn on the a/c if we do the un-thinkable, would the meter go crazy? or would it make it bare able either way I'm saying, if you ask me, I'm sweaty. if you ask me, I'm sweating.

i promise that I'll pay the bill, I'll put something on the window sill, so we keep in all cold air. now i can sleep comfortably, I'm so happy with the air, wont you come snuggle in the blanket with me?

i was wondering maybe could we turn on the a/c if we do the un-thinkable, would the meter go crazy? or would it make sleep bare able, either way I'm saying if you ask me I'm sweating, if you ask me I'm sweating.