its been a while

well my grandma is home now...yay!!! so glad that she is back where she belongs and we don't have to worry about her. my sister is here too and we are getting along so well.

I've met this really great guy who i really like. things are going well but i keep finding myself over thinking things from time to time. when i am with him everything else just kind of fades away and its always just us two. but he keeps asking me to become official and i really want to but i don't think i am ready yet and when i tell him i still need more time he gets really quiet for a few minutes. the other night he asked me to explain why i wanted to wait i felt like he was getting annoyed with the fact that i couldn't really explain why. but there is just something holding me back from committing. there isn't anyone else that i want i guess i just don't want to be tied down just yet. i don't want anyone but him. i think i just have this certain timeline in my head that i need to follow. to me a month and a half just doesn't seem long enough to have gotten to know one another to become official just yet. i honestly could make him wait another month and a half and then probably be comfortable enough to be his girlfriend. but does that seem too long? i don't know the norm i just know what i feel is right lol i would hate to rush into this and then things not work out. maybe its just a defense thing, but it just seems like the right thing to do.

cuz im feeling like i need to be rescued

so lately ive had a few internal battles and ive been doing pretty good at ignoring them or setting them aside to come back to them later. but its hard to deal with when no one understands how i feel. i didnt want to take care of my grandmas house but i did it cuz i felt like i needed to help out. to take some pressure off my aunt and mom. that doesnt mean im having the time of my life up there. its boring and im basically sacraficing my time to do this for them. so far ive only asked for one thing and not once has it been respected. idk i just feel like telling my mom and aunt that i cant do it. but i cant because id have no place to go to. i feel like my stepdad wouldnt want me back there with how moody hes been towards me lately. idk i just wish this situation never happened.

hard times

so yesterday was probably the most painful day ive ever been through. i had the worst stomache pain ive had in a long time. it was difficult to breathe and the only way i felt any relief was curl up and close my eyes.worked sucked yesterday.

after work i went to see steph and jared the pain went away when i was there haha i know i said it before but its so true they make me feel so much better.

so glad i have them

i'm really gonna hate Monday!

i am definitely dreading these next few days. it hurts me to not be able to hang out with Steph and Jared but i know i cant avoid my grandma. not that i am trying to avoid her but its just that i don't want to say bye. i know its only a short amount of time but still to not have my grandma around for the next 5 months breaks my heart. last night i cried a lil when i was with Steph but i tried not to show it. i don't know how well i did lol

its one of those heart and mind battles again. i know she'll be back but my heart doesn't seem to believe my head. when i look at it through the logical sense i know i am silly to cry but my emotions are definitely taking the steering wheel. so i just hope i can suck this up..cry till i feel better and be OK with all this.

Monday i dread you, yet i am gonna stand up to you and come out the winner!

lily's pad

ha ha has a nice ring to it. well i am super happy that they got to come home finally. but i gotta say that was the latest I've stayed up in a really long time! man i am so tired this morning. it sucked having to take my brother out to Ontario this morning at 630...i didn't get home till almost 4 i believe. so even tho i slept two hours it felt like a slept a while but it was def not enough sleep.

i just hope that lily gets into some kind of sleeping routine and soon. i felt bad for Stephanie i know she is super tired. but she can handle it i just hope she doesn't have to and lily will be a team player again lol

i am so looking forward to tomorrow tho! Trevor is coming!!

11/6/10

today is def one for the books. my best friend has to be one of the most impressive women i have ever known!! i cant wait to see how lily grows and becomes a wonderful woman just like her mother. i knew i would love that lil girl but it was amazing to actually be able to hold her and feel the love i have for her become solid and everlasting!!

steph and jared are absolutely amazing and i am so grateful that they allowed me to share that special moment with them. my heart is so full right now that i cant even begin to express my joy!!

with that i say goodnight and sweet dreams. i cant wait to see lily tomorrow!!

nerves of steel

i wish i had them. sadly i don't and i tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve. as the saying goes. its just hard to play the part 24/7. what i am thankful for is that there is one place where i am truly happy and at peace. thats Steph and Jared's. i really don't know how much of a mess i would be without them. there house is my escape. once i walk into that house the outside world and all its bad news doesn't exist. they can wait outside the door but i don't worry about it when i am there.

the fact that lily has yet to make her appearance has everyone on edge. i text Mary yesterday asking her a question and she said i nearly gave her a heart attack because she thought Steph was going into labor. i felt bad but it did make me realize that everyone is as anxious as us.

yesterday was just a weird day for me. i was OK once i was able to calm down, and just breathe but this whole waiting thing has me going a lil crazy. its not necessarily the waiting itself, its just whats to come thats the hard part. i'm just glad that lily will be here by that time. she is keeping me sane in this crazy emotional battle i have brewing inside my heart.