who knew?!

I guess in the back of my mind I knew this day would come. I just didn’t factor in the fact that it might bother me some. I knew I would never be as close to him as she was. I knew I was just filling in the void that he had. Which was fine to me because as a sister I felt like it was my duty. But should it feel like that…a duty? On the contrary I think it should be a joy. I think I tried to be someone I wasn’t with him. More like her, for his sake.
She is his road dog, down for whatever. So I tried my best to be that for him. For a moment I think I actually got pretty good at it. I don’t know if he would agree but to an extent I think I did a pretty damn good job at it. But I guess in the end, with knowing that she would be back I decided to take my step back in preparation for her to take her place back.
I think that’s where the problems started between him and me. Now there is this tension between us that I just cant seem to shake. He says he wants things to go back to what they were. But how can they when I wasn’t being me…I was being more like her, for his sake. Granted I did have fun with him from time to time. I did break out of my shell more. But at what cost? There are things I cant say I haven’t done now…which I am not upset about since I gave in and decided to try new things.
But I’ve stopped now and I couldn’t be more proud of myself. I guess what I am trying to say is…I feel like just another person who was there for someone as a crutch and now they don’t need me anymore. Like I am of no use to them now. But what about me? How am I supposed to feel? Does my feelings not matter? Have they ever mattered?
I used to think so but now, I don’t know. I feel like they never did. Like all this was just a façade, like there was no meaning behind it other then convenience. For his sake…and of course partly mine. It was hard being away from my friends all the time and it was nice making new friends. But in the end I don’t think I really belonged. I think I was trying to be more of what he needed rather then focus on what I needed.
I don’t regret any of it, because like I said I had fun. But at the same time I look back and I think how reckless I was. What that type of behavior led me to be like. I’m not the one who goes out drinking and still drives home. I have more common sense than that, and for some reason I felt like I could get away with it. Thank God nothing happened to me, but just thinking about all the crazy ways I behaved, makes me thing of how lucky I am.
I cant believe I risked so much. However I am glad I was able to let go of my worries a little and have fun. To go out and experience life for myself. I made great friends along the way. Some weren’t that great but that’s another life lesson to talk about. But I guess what I am trying to say is…even though I cant see myself being crazy like I was before with him, because he has her again, I just got to work on finding that happy medium where we can all get along and have a good time.