You know it's true when they say that, "when it rains, it pours." Well let me tell you something. I'm definitely on high flash flood alert. I've said this time and time again but for some reason I never really grasp it. When something goes wrong, everything goes wrong. It's never just one thing at a time. After all why would life make things easy on us? How do we grow from that? We probably wouldn't.
But man I got to say I certain dislike being this mad. No matter what I do as soon as I start to get a handle on my anger, something new comes along to piss me off. It's funny because I realize that usually when I am this anger, I've started off super sad but for some reason my saddness turns into anger. So much so that the tiniest thing pisses me off to the point of wanting to scream and shout. Which then of course leads to me wanting to cry. It's pretty much my least favorite thing in the world.
I have to admit that it does make me feel alive from time to time but not when its this bad. Last night was probably the worst. I went to bed angry, woke up angry, went to work angry, and came home angry. The only decent part of my day was when I saw Anne at work and watching TV with my parents. Of course I had to have my drink but still after that all the anger melted away. I was happy for those brief hours. It's now that I realize the little things are what make life worth it. I know its been said many times but until you realize it for yourself it's definitely an eye-opener.
It's hard to admit this but all this downhill spiral is due to the cause of a boy. Someone who I fell for. Who I thought would be in my life forever. Now it's just a sad void and I had the unpleasant surprise of running into about two weeks ago. Since then I've pretty much been dealing with this agony. It's hard for me to admit but I feel like I'm not good enough. Like I wasn't what he desired, when he was everything I wanted in a guy. Everything that made me feel alive and free to be who I truely was without limitation or covering up what I was really like. I was able to be who I wanted to be without worrying what anyone else thought. To me he was the world and I wanted that world so bad. I thought he was everything I'd ever dreamed of.
But that wasn't what he wanted and we parted. I think I needed closure to get passed this. It just seemed to have dwindled without a reason. I don't know if I would want to hear a reason now but I know one thing, I'm not over him. I've learned to survive day to day without the pain paralyzing me. I've gotten past the point of depression. There are only two times when I feel the pain...when I happen to run into him and when the weather is cool enough to warrant a jacket.
As crazy as that may sound to you...it's crazy to me. How the heart can retain the feelings of joy and sorrow even after the time has long passed. How the wound still feels fresh from just a simple scratch. I don't see myself getting past this anytime soon. There have been two who came close to being what I thought would make my world right, but those failed too. I just have to hold on to the hope of one day being saved by Mr. Right. Until then I'll do what I have to do to make myself happy. Just have to keep reminding myself that it's the little things that make life worth while!
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